Somewhere Now

I’m afraid of growing up. Really. It seems silly, but I’m absolutely terrified of the prospect of leaving adolescence and going out into the world.

It’s not because I’m afraid of the world. It’s not because I don’t understand the world. Far from that. In fact, I get this world too MUCH. I know what’s waiting for me in the future.

I’m extremely ambitious. That’s a certainty. I want a lot in life, and I know exactly what that lot is. The world is a fruit ripe for consumption, and I fully plan on consuming the earth and it’s goodness. I’m going to swallow it whole.

But in swallowing the world whole, I’m forgetting the seeds of cyanide embedded not far beneath the surface; in fact, the world is much like a strawberry- the poison on the outside.

I love being young because I don’t have to worry too much about the evil of the world. Sure, sad things happen in high school. Girls. Grades. Friends. All that stuff. But after these 4 years, all these things become unimportant. Because that’s how menial life is at this stage. None of these things have the power to control my life because I’m not stupid enough to forget my environment.

But once I move on, that’s gone. Things matter. A college degree is a pipeline to a job, which gets you money, which is all that matters in a world that rests its laurels on capitalism, self interest, and individualism. And that’s complete and utter crap.

I have an idea I’d like to call profound- this is all crap. All of this. All these things. Money, a job, a degree, social relationships, grades. All these things will someday swallow us whole. The world will collapse on itself due to its needless greed and mindless materialistic drivel. I’m sick of all of it.

I’m scared of moving on because I know that the world is a crude parody of what I and the kids currently around me think its gonna be. We all bust our butts because we think one day we’re gonna achieve this great sweet reality we have planned out for ourselves. But in reality, we’re all busting our butts to get the grades and get to college and get a degree and get a job and get money and raise a family and get money and buy things and get money and be in love and get money and get a new job and get money and retire comfortably and get money and be in love and then die. Then we die. All we endure for however years we’ve been written to live, and we’re rewarded by eternal sleep. How crap is that?  We endure sickness, pain, work, politics, poverty, sadness, happiness, anger, anxiety, and frustration all so we can go and die.

And no matter how smart I think I am and no matter what I do and no matter what I go on to accomplish or fail I can’t change the fact that I’m destined to die. Everyone is destined to die. Before that, they may do strange and incredible and wicked things, but in the end they die and that is that. And there is nothing I can do.

I’m haunted by something that’s been a staple of this earth since it came to be. I will die, so will you. How pathetic.

Look at Chris and Matthew. They’re so happy that Chris is graduating. But why?

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I have a  certain dream a lot. I’m at my high school graduation at OCC. The stadium is packed. I walk around the field and I try to talk to my fellow graduates, but no one is talking to me. Everyone is talking to each other and enjoying each other, but every time I try to talk to one of them they don’t even budge. I cannot emphasize the horror of this dream. Every time it comes to me, I wake up sweating. It’s terrifying. This is what life has entailed for me. I’m afraid of going unrecognized throughout my life, leaving the world the way I found it without doing anything worthwhile. What if this dream comes true? What if my life is simply going to be years of floating?

Leaving high school might ruin me. Right now, I’m in a bubble of teenage hormones, impenetrable by the evils of planet Earth. But soon, the bubble will burst and I will join the spiral of ants.

I wish I could be 16 forever, and destroy any memories of a lonesome graduation where no one knows who I am. But that’s not possible I guess. I’m bound for a life of somewhere now.

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