The Bends pt.4 — Karma Police

NOTE: THIS IS PART 4 OF A SERIES IN WHICH SOMEONE GETS TOO SUCCESSFUL. THE STORIES ARE FICTITIOUS, BUT POSSIBLY PROPHETIC. PROCEED WITH CAUTION.

Note 2: Adam is golden without the help of the Devil. He actually is ripped. Ask him to do a back flip next time you see him.  

_________________________________________________________________

Adam always liked spaghetti. Growing up in a family of Italians, he never really had a choice. His last name is Mancini for crying out loud! With that in mind, Adam always knew what he was going to do with his life.

dsc_0277

He was going to graduate high school, and use his life savings to start a spaghetti restaurant in Fountain Valley, a nice place to live (and an even better place to drown in a huge, boiling hot vat of spaghetti sauce).

All 4 years of high school, Adam couldn’t wait to get out. He was surrounded by sheep, who all wanted to go to college and spend their life on education. Adam was always the guy in high school, but it was all insufferable to him. All these idiotic hormonal creatures worshiped him because he was blonde, played water polo, and could back flip. After high school, he would be world famous for his spaghetti!

Riding the momentum and confidence from 4 years of being the guy, Adam took over on the corner of Bushard and Talbert, where the taco bell used to be. Using all the money he’s saved up in 18 years of worthless life, Adam opened up a spaghetti restaurant.

And oh could things have not started worse for poor little Adam (little in a literal sense; standing at 5’6, Adam was always insecure about his height). It turns out there wasn’t much of a market for mediocre spaghetti in Fountain Valley. For the first month, Adam barely broke even, and wasn’t able to pay the rent, let alone make improvements to his restaurant. However, he was able to make a deal with his shady landlord.

In exchange for Meatball, his cat who he loved more than anything (even spaghetti), Adam was able to keep his restaurant. Adam figured cutting an emotional bond with a replaceable cat was a good deal to keep his dream alive (little did Adam know, his landlord was pretty infamous for substituting chicken with cat meat occasionally at his pho restaurant, banh mi che cali on Brookhurst and Talbert). Adam promised himself to never have to make a deal like that ever again, and set out to make the best damn spaghetti in all of Orange County.

Soon, he did just that. By adding just a pinch of salt to the sauce, people came pouring in, always raving about the “richness in texture” and “originality” of the sauce. By renaming his restaurant Adam’s Organic Spaghetti, Adam attracted Fountain Valley’s large population of comfortably middle class but ultimately insecure people who think that because the word “organic” is there, the food will be beneficial to them nutritionally. It’s actually the exact opposite considering how much butter is in Adam’s spaghetti, as well as the healthy amount of cholesterol that comes with the generous mountains of Parmesan cheese on top of Adam’s spaghetti.

Adam started to get regulars at his restaurant. In particular, a group of mysterious men came in every Tuesday and Thursday night. All of them had slicked back black hair, and wore the same thing: Dark charcoal slacks, shiny black dress shoes, black leather belts, white dress shirts, suspenders, and solid black ties. Black sunglasses covered their eyes at all times. They never spoke, not to Adam nor each other. They ate their food in an emotionless manner, left money to cover the bill (plus tip, even though Adam hasn’t believed in tipping ever since he watched Reservior Dogs in 9th grade), and drove off together in a 2007 Lincoln town car. The car gave Adam a shudder.

Adam’s own dad used to have a Lincoln town car. They were long and luxurious, and usually came clad in black. One of his dad’s favorite things to do (when he was still around) during his commonplace drunken rampages was to throw Adam into the trunk for an hour or two. It was always in the middle of the night, so little Adam would sit there and shiver until he cried, and then he’d shiver some more. The only saving grace was that there was plenty of room in that trunk, so Adam could feel a little comfortable in his torture. Adam always thought that there was probably room for 3, maybe 4 bodies in there. One time Adam stayed in there all night. That time a policeman was there when he got out, and papa Mancini was nowhere to be found.

Back in the present, Adam started to get suspicious of these men. He never said anything before, because they were his best customers and he didn’t want to drive them away, but he just had to know what their deal was. One Thursday night, Adam made his approach.

As Adam slalomed over to the table, the bulkiest one rocketed out of his chair and had his hands clenched around Adam’s pathetic neck within a (literal) blink of the eye. In the process, his sunglasses fell off.

He felt his larynx and esophagus collapsing under the strength of the man’s iron grip. His lungs exploded and his neck broke. No more signals were sent to his brain. The man forced Adam (who somehow wasn’t dead) to look into his eyes, and what Adam saw was utterly horrific. The steel grey eyes of the man shot out some sort of celestial matter, incomprehensible to humans, and burrowed itself into Adam’s eyes. The man let go of Adam, and what was left of him crumpled to the floor.

Beacons of light began to shoot out of Adam’s almost lifeless body, tearing him to pieces. The restaurant began to transform as the light touched it, becoming more grandiose as the light flashed. After the final flash, all of the grey eyed men that came in every Tuesday and Thursday stood up and began to chant “OOGA CHAKA OOGA CHAKA HE HAS COME” over and over.

Adam’s carcass (looking more like a worn-out mailman’s letter bag at this point) began to float into the air, and as the chanting climaxed and reached it’s loudest, Adam exploded. The explosion produced a deafening sound accompanied by a searing heat, melting the skin off of the men in the restaurant. From the midst of the explosion, a golden being slowly descended upon the skinless men. Once it reached the floor, it was clear that the skinless grey-eyed men had achieved their goal; a new Adam Mancini was born.\

He was a god among men. Name a muscle on the human body, and Adam’s was perfectly toned. His hair shined brighter than ever. His teeth cause lens flare in pictures. Any women (or man for that matter) in a 24,901 mile radius felt his presence. His skin was literal gold. God’s angels had delivered one of their own.

Upon touching the floor, the skinless grey-eyed men bowed to their long-awaited God. “Thank you for unlocking me, children. You are all worthless swine barely worthy of kissing my feet. Now, my spaghetti empire can take over Fountain Vallley,” boomed Golden Adam.

Looking around, Golden Adam saw that his restaurant had finally become everything he has wanted. The walls were gilded golden, the decor oozed class, and there were 17 world class Italian chefs with curly mustaches in his kitchen. “Adam’s Organic Spaghetti” was now “Adam’s Golden Spaghetti”. Golden Adam was ready to run the world spaghetti empire to it’s most terrifying abilities. Adam has The Bends.

Adam’s Golden Spaghetti now gets over 3,000,000 daily customers. Due to the now celestial tinge of Adam’s restaurant, time speeds up by 432849 fold, allowing all those hungry visitors to get in and out in mere seconds. Business is booming.

Behind the scenes, Adam was running the world’s largest Spaghetti Mafia out of the back of the restaurant. Along with his skinless grey-eyed henchmen, Golden Adam committed heinous crimes in the name of spaghetti. They abducted world famous spaghetti chefs and destroyed spaghetti restaurants all across the world. Anyone who didn’t comply ended up with bullet holes from their knees to their brain. Golden Adam even sunk the entire country of Italy, using his new powers. Now, Golden Adam had the ONLY spaghetti restaurant in the world. No one could stop him. The Bends is in full force.

Since Golden Adam now owned the only spaghetti restaurant in the world, it became required that he built a gigantic spaghetti power plant in Fountain Valley, where spaghetti sauce would be made around the clock by Golden Adam’s Schnurkles, a new species of being created by the grey-eyed skinless men in Golden Adam’s kitchen. They slaved 24/7 on stirring vats of spaghetti sauce. To build the plant, Golden Adam used his powers so that the area in between Bushard and Magnolia no longer existed on this plane of reality, and simply placed his spaghetti power plant there.

One day, Golden Adam was floating in his office, thinking of how to expand his empire even further. By now, it had been 5 years since his restaurant had opened and 1 year since he gained his powers. Deep into his thinking, he felt his stomach flip and his hands began to sweat. Clouds rapidly rolled in and thunder began to shake Adam to his ripped core (he does 8,000,000 sit ups a day).

The One Golden Adam Feared The Most was close.

Ever since Golden Adam received his powers, he had been wary of the grey-eyed skinless man that choked him to death all those years ago. He always knew when he was nearby, because he would always begin to shake. No matter how strong Golden Adam became, he always knew the grey-eyed skinless man that choked him to death and tore his body to shreds could take back the gift he gave to Adam.

Golden Adam’s golden crusted door burst open with a blast of darkness. In stomped The One Golden Adam Feared The Most. His eyes fixed onto Golden Adam’s, and Golden Adam would never see anything else again.

“Karma Police! Arrest this man!” bellowed The One Golden Adam Feared The Most.

Still in a trance, Golden Adam could only violently shake as 17 demonic angels crashed through the excessive ceiling to Golden Adam’s side. With his gaze still fixed on Golden Adam’s eyes, The One Golden Adam Feared The Most thrust his hands around Golden Adam’s neck and again crushed it, like he did many moons ago. Golden Adam laid in a crumpled heap at the feet of The One Golden Adam Feared The Most, motionless (not dead), still unable to move his gaze from The One Golden Adam Feared The Most. Celestial matter shot out of Golden Adam’s eyes into The One Golden Adam Feared The Most, and he was no longer a grey-eyed skinless man. He had golden skin, golden hair, the brightest teeth you’ve ever seen, and Aryan blue eyes.

The One Golden Adam Feared The Most has become Golden Adam. Adam’s soul remained in that pitiful, pathetic body crumpled on the floor. New and improved Golden Adam was the Devil himself, who had always eaten at Adam’s restaurant. Poor Adam’s best customer was his pathetic demise.

New Golden Adam stomped the ground, and a gigantic fiery hole opened up. From the hole, one of Adam’s gigantic spaghetti sauce vats from his underground spaghetti sauce plant rose. It was 50 stories tall, and destroyed the restaurant Adam loved so dearly in the process of its rise.The 17 demonic angels sunk their ebony claws into Adam’s screaming eyes and took Adam high above Fountain Valley. They took him right to the edge of the Earth’s atmosphere. At the speed of crushing disappointment, they flew Adam straight back down into that vat of spaghetti sauce, triggering an explosion that caused the entirety of Orange County to no longer exist.

The only survivor was New Golden Adam, who could only laugh at the futility of Adam Mancini, who only wanted to have the best spaghetti in the world. In his pursuit of this goal, he forgot his morality, and allowed The Bends to take hold. Adam was punished for his sins. However, his punishment isn’t over.

Adam wakes up from the explosion chained to a wall. Judging by the red walls, spikes, and the 817,273,289,172,893 degree heat, Adam assumes he’s in Hell. He receives no physical punishment, and no one talks to him. He is only allowed to eat under cooked spaghetti, and the sauce always needs just a pinch of salt. A giant screen is projected in front of him at all times, showing New Golden Adam taking over the world, one strand of spaghetti at a time.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s