I like to call myself relationship-independent. Without sounding too dramatic, I think it’s safe to say most of my personal emotions I keep to myself, bottled up inside. Sure, I talk a lot. Like a lot. A lot to the point where even people that like me get visibly frustrated with my presence. Even people that rely on my work don’t want me around.
And I’m not complaining, rather, I’m adding some background to why I’m not one for meaningful relationships. People are fickle. Extreme fickle. Even worse, I’m a teenager. So I, as well as everyone around me, is packed full of moody hormones flying wildly between irrational emotions, often in unexplained and uncomprehending fashion.
As someone who’s extremely outspoken, I often say things I shouldn’t. And by often, I mean every other thing I say is stupid or offensive. As a result, I’m pretty divisive. A lot of people don’t like me. I know this because I’m either directly told by said disgruntled person, or I can make a safe assumption. They show visible frustration. They roll their eyes. They grimace. They give me the death stare. They ignore me when I attempt conversation. Those types of things.
But those people are easy to deal with. You know exactly what you’re dealing with, so you know how to act and how to get your way. The other person definitely doesn’t like you, so you don’t have to show any desirable traits, and can usually cut straight to the point. Over time, you build a relationship of mutual dislike, and can continue either successfully ignoring each other or successfully working together. It’s an easy situation. The difficult relationship is the one where you consider the other person your friend.
I know a lot of people at my school. I consider a lot of those people my friends, a very select few my good friends, and some just my acquaintances. And that’s just the issue. All these people act like your friends, so it’s hard to distinguish between who actually cares about you and who’s just there, bound to disappear within a year.
I’m skeptical of all of these people I’m on good terms with. Even people I consider close to me. These people especially, because they spend a lot of time with me and probably know me a lot better than I’d like them to. I’m an undesirable person so it’s basically impossible to be around me without finding something ugly (which applies to a lot of people, for the record).
There’s a movie I like. It’s called Good Will Hunting, which I’m sure you’ve heard of. This is absolutely one of my most beloved movies of all time. It goes far beyond the excellent film making, writing, acting, and directing of this film. For me, it’s the main character, Will Hunting. Besides the fact that Will is a genius, far beyond the intellect of an award-winning MIT professor, I relate to Will. In the film, it’s made clear that Will has some sort of inability to form relationships. He has people he loves, but he pushed them away because he’s afraid they’ll leave him.
In the movie, Will eventually sees the error in his ways (well worth checking out in itself, here, also NSFW).
However, I haven’t gotten a chance to cry on Robin Williams’ shoulder. I also push a lot of people away. I too am afraid of love. I can’t stand the word “marriage”. I can’t comprehend being so deep in love with someone that you pledge the rest of your existence to them. Dare I say marriage is selfish, asking someone to devote their life to your’s. Maybe it’s just because I’m a dumb teenager, but I can’t see myself ever escaping this state of mind. I can’t imagine myself in a house with a wife and kids, supporting the family with a steady income from my career that I probably don’t enjoy. It just doesn’t seem right.
Even in high school, as I previously discussed, this heavily affects me. I often purposely don’t hang out with friends so I can keep my distance. It’s not because I don’t like them or because I don’t care. Rather, it’s because I love them and I care so much about them. How will they feel if they end up spending so much time with me that I’m simply not the same person they thought I was and they enjoyed being around?
To get to the point, I’m a scared kid, at ease with my enemies but scared of frightening the people I adore the most.